"I lived an empty life full of sin. That became a part of my everyday life: addictions, fears, anxieties, fights, and bad situations. My life became one big disappointment. That's why I tried to end it three times. Thank God, I didn't succeed."
My father wanted to have a son instead of me. So my story begins even before I was born. His rejection was so strong that I never knew my father’s love. What I knew was punishment, yelling, beating, kicking to make things worse. At the age of three, I started to have night paralysis. I would wake up in the middle of the night, but I couldn’t move.
I lie in the dark and wait in terror. A tall woman in black, usually without a face opens the door and slowly walks towards me. Sometimes she comes with a dog that bites my leg. It hurts terribly, but I can’t scream normally. Other times she comes alone, pushes my stomach hard until I start vomiting, but I can’t get up or turn around.
So I start suffocating with my vomit. I can’t defend myself or cry for help. I just lie there full of fear that I will suffocate, or she will kill me. I was experiencing this every night. I lived in total stress and fear during the day, I feared my father. At night, I feared the woman.
After high school, I went to university. There I found friends for whom I was willing to do anything just to belong. Did they drink? I drank with them. Did they smoke? Me, too. I did anything just to avoid being alone again, but still I had a feeling that I’m not far enough from my home six years ago, a friend came calling me to work abroad and in that moment I answered, yes.
I didn’t think of the consequences. I just knew I wanted to be free far from home. Shortly after I left, all my teeth started to ache terribly. I ate more than 15 painkillers a day and couldn’t eat anything else. I lost weight. After half a year, I told the dentist to pull out all of my aching teeth. He pulled out 10 teeth without explaining the consequences.
And this is how my new big problems started. My life of growth took a very bad direction. I spent whole nights at parties, full of drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. I actually found out one thing. If I could drink before sleep or even don’t sleep at night at all, no night paralysis comes, no woman in black, no night for fears. I thought I had the system, but the opposite was true.
I lived an empty life full of sin. That became a part of my everyday life addictions, fears, anxieties, fights, and bad situations. After one another, my life became one big disappointment. That’s why I tried to end it three times. Thank God, I didn’t succeed. In the meantime, my younger sister gave her life to Jesus at camp first in KraLova Lehota.
She called me and suggested that she would pray for me. I know how my sister expresses herself, but when she prayed I knew those words did not come just from her. This prayer touched my heart. COVID-19 came. I lost my job and a relationship with my boyfriend started to take a terrible direction. Fights, arguments, locking in the room, flying plates, his cheating, curses, throwing me out of the apartment.
I lost a lot of my front teeth in arguments and fights with him. I was sure that it was my end. I looked in my room and drank more and more alcohol in order not to think or feel anything. In the worst days, my sister called again with an idea to return back to Slovakia and go to Kralova Lehota for one year. I tell you that it was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I started to believe that I was loved and safe. I got to know Jesus and understood that I didn’t have to go through life on my own. In the movie Passion of Christ I saw God himself pure and without sin, terribly beaten and whipped for hours, I realized that everything that he got was basically from me, too. It totally changed my view of repentance and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
Now after a beautiful year with God, the Father, I can’t say anything else than glory to God. When I wrote the first part of my testimony. It touched a lot of people who decided to send money for my new teeth. In the most difficult time of Corona when people were not sure about their own income, they decided to help an unknown person. God even found a Christian couple who owns a dental clinic and who have been helping me go through the whole painful process of tearing the rest of my teeth healing and getting new teeth.
This year has also been full of changes in the relationships with my family, my meeting with my father after many prayers was wonderful. He hugged me like never before and called Nika, maybe for the first time in my life. We talked for three hours and I did not feel any anger or fear. For the first time, we said that we loved each other.
I could feel that it was God who washed away the pain. We are finally a father and a daughter. God also has shown me that problems cannot be solved by alcohol or cigarettes. I can’t say I haven’t fallen since, but I am learning that God forgives my failures. But it is important that I really want to fight them in prayer.
One of the biggest victories is that my paralysis is over. We prayed a lot for that during the counseling. And God kept showing us things and curses that were behind this. We broke the curses, I confessed the things that needed to be confessed. I forgave people who were behind it. God has done so much for me this year.
He changed my life. He gave me the job at the ranch cafe that I love. He taught me to forgive and showed me who I was, who He was and what we could do when we were together. I thank God for not stopping fighting for me. And that He took me to the ranch to be able to be healed and led by special people will have turned their lives into the hands of God.
And my further thanks goes to all of you who have helped me either financially or through prayers. I pray and believe that God will compensate you several times over.